Dynasty

It has been months since I wrote, I felt the story has ended. Looking back at this blog, and everything in it....damn it brings me back to a hell storm, I want to think there is more to this story than that.

I'm days away from my first child being brought into this world....I'm completely excited. I can't believe that just a few short years ago it was a crap shoot if I could ever has kids. Well less than 6 months after chemo.... the unthinkable happened, and now I can't wait to be my child's best influence.

What a roller coaster ride cancer is, I still say Fuck You Cancer.... but now it's more of looking at the glass half full. This thing has made me revaluate life... I've been employed for a wonderful company for 6 months now, and I couldn't had asked for a better situation to re-acclimate to starting over.

Starting over is a tough phrase to swallow, but sometime a cliche 'fresh start' is what a man needs to grow. The chemo drug induced writings made me think like I never thought I could. I felt like a unbiased visitor in my life detailing my journey. For the quality of this blog I wish I still had that ability, but for the betterment of life I'm thankful to have that part of my life well documented, as still it's hard to read about some of those jittery sweat induced all-nighters.

I'm hoping once our miracle baby is born to jump start FYC and continue to pay forward the thoughtfulness that my influences provided me with.

At this point life is great, and I'm thrilled to become a loving father.

Till next time folks...

Insanity is doing the exact thing over with no new results.

I've gone through a realization that the many ways that I am doing things needs to be reevaluated and redefined. This focus is on employment. An article in the WSJ this week focused on HR people and how they automatically screen for people who have been out of employment for over a year (some keep that window open to 18 months) Automatically they are just put to the side. I fit in those groups, and have to develop a plan to get around this fact.

The anxiousness of waiting to hear back from my previous interview kept me up most of this weekend, just thinking and praying that I could hear something sooner, rather than later. This made me get on my computer and start looking for more job opportunities if I see anything on CareerBuilder.com that can remotely be a fit, I look it over and submit a resume and coverletter, and if they are local I'm always following up with a face-to-face resume drop off.

As far as I know,,,,this has done noting.

I'm out of black printer ink.....and tomorrow starts a new week of the job search. This time I need to find new ways to approach prospective employers.

Cheers

Turning the Corner

Hello world,

It has been quite a journey since I last divulged my thoughts to you all, and many things have happened. The past month has been a journey to say goodbye to loved ones, and it has been a reflection of how important family should be. My Aunt passed hours after my last post, my Nona (Great-grandma) passed away two Friday's ago, and my Uncle passed away the very next day. Needless to say it has been a busy month of paying my respects.

I have an interview tomorrow with a local media outlet, and I'm filled with excitement for the opportunity so I have been preparing extensively the past few days to make sure I get that offer sheet tomorrow. During this time of preparing I dug through an old box of stuff I kept from my CBS Radio days hoping to find a presentation or anything that might help give me a lift above the competition. While looking through that box I came across some pictures Julie took during my time in Chemo, and they were just inspirational looking back to what I was to where I am now was a proverbial wake up call to what I have accomplished. But one more thing needs to be... a real job.

I'm nervous for tomorrow because it's a glimpse into finally resurrecting a normal life. I'm anxious to have the opportunity to come home at 6 and spend the nights with Julie, I'm excited to be able to be on the same schedule as my friends. Most importantly I'm thrilled for the opportunity to work in a real work environment. I've done this job before I know I can do it again, but with this new outlook on life I believe I will be better than before, I truly do.

"You don't know what you got until it is gone" I have an opportunity to get that back, and I won't let it slip through my fingers.

Day 2

Dismal at best, woke up around 7am to see Pam and she didn't look like Pam. Bald, yellow from the Jondus, cold and a faint pulse. She was breathing ok, but she seemed weak from her destructive condition. When my dad and I went into her room to say hi, she briefly opened her eyes to look at us. I don't think she recognized us but I will never know because she can't speak.

I was in shock, this disease has turned a familiar face into an unknown, I truly feel for her family, her husband travels frequently for his job and they have a 14 yr. old getting ready to go into high school, and things don't seem to faze her. She just might not understand how to compute what is happening to her mother, I know I felt that way when my Bubba passed.

After visiting with my Aunt Pam, we went to visit my 98 yr. old Nona (great grandmother) Santa Romonoli, who is a living legend on my dad's side of the family, who is in a nursing home, with full care. Anyways she is struggling too, and I don't believe she recognized me today either. It's tough knowing that people close to you can't even remember you anymore.

After seeing my Nona, we went back to see Pam, and within the few hours we were gone, she has drastically gotten worse. Her breathing is shallow and weak, and she is showing signs that her vital organs are shutting down.

My dad and I said our final goodbye to her a few hours ago, and it was as tough as I thought it would be.

Jesus what a day.

This post might be all over the place, but so is my mind. I can't concentrate but I need to write this down.

Day 1

I’m on a plane from Detroit to Elmira NY to see my Aunt right now, and I feel obligated to write. I’m nervous and scared. My Nana has warned us that she is not well, and doesn’t have much longer.

I faced this disease head on, and it was tough, but for the most part there was very little uncertainly that I wasn’t going to kick this things ass. I’m going to be walking into the lion’s den in a few hours, and I don’t know how it’s going to affect me seeing this disease rapidly take someone close to me.

The last time I saw Pam was well over three years ago, before she was first diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a rough visit, as our families always clashed over values and beliefs, something looking back, could have been fixed but both families were too proud to chance their ways. I don’t blame either side, as it reminds me of Matt Damon in The Departed when he says “If something is wrong your going to have to leave me, I’m Irish I’ll deal with something being fucked up my entire life”

Put in this situation, I regret it… I wish it didn’t come to this last ditch effort for family redemption. But for the situation it is the best thing we can do.

Hoping for the best when we land in 32 minuets.


Note: Landed, got to my grandparent's house ok, stayed up and talked with my Uncle Glenny. The feeling is somber around here, and everyone describes their feelings as 'numb' and 'shocked' My dad and I were told to prepare ourself for tomorrow with Pam. It's not going to be pretty.


More to come

Seriously... Go Fuck Your Self Cancer

I want to start off by letting everyone know, that I found out my uncle has 6 months to live... I guess that's good. but it is still a sad deadline. Until today....

My old man knew I was working today, but still called me around 9pm. I knew something was up, so I called him back, his 'hello' on the phone reminded me of times when I threw parties at his house when he wasn't around and I knew, he knew I rocked out. But I knew I did nothing wrong for him to sound so somber..... until he told me.

My Aunt Pam has 4-6 weeks left to live.

FUCK YOU CANCER.

Your really going to take two of my family members away from me (Joe is my mom's side Pam is my Dad's side)

Seriously, is writing about cancer my new life? My Uncle Joe, I feel horrible about, I truly do, He has two girls now at Baldwin Wallace studying arts. My Aunt has 3 kids, two grown, one in high school, that's what kills me... losing your mother so young...

I did something I haven't done since high school today.......... I prayed the rosemary, for Joe, for Pam.

A day ago, I was going to write about how I had a cancer scare, I felt a tumor on my last little guy... turned out to be nothing, but the doctor recommended I wear briefs so I wore them today, for the first time since I was 7. I'll admit I think I looked good in them, but they are so uncomfortable when you are working. But then again, I didn't have the feeling of a tumor in my groin.  But who cares, this is family.

I look at my Aunt and Uncle, and it scares me. They were cured at some time and then things didn't last. What if that is my faith? I was diagnosed at 26, my aunt 47, my uncle 63,... and now they are on their last. I'm not scared of death, but I'm not ready for it, am I cursed?!?

Whatever happens I will tell cancer to fuck it's self till I die, and for Joe and for Pam I will recite the following prayer for both of them.

Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name
thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses;
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not in temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

Amen

I am praying for you. Keep fighting that good fight......!!

Ready to reconnect with the Lord.

I found out today that my uncle's throat cancer is incurable, and he is on his last weeks of life, I also found out today that a coworkers dad (she found out on her 21st birthday, and this is my Uncles 65th birthday) was diagnosed with Lymphoma today..................... Fuck cancer man.... why does it do this to good people?

My Uncle Joe, I will admit that I always thought he was a bum. Since high school I thought he never had his shit together, I never gave him a chance. He is an artist, a true musician, and I didn't understand those people. I look back at his life, and realize his genius for music never made me understand him. I thought he was a bum and I haven't given him a chance since my grandpa passed away. I knew this day would come, but damn.... I feel guilty.... more than ever. I blocked him out of my life, I was selfish.

The day my grandfather passed away I was dating a woman named Nicole, she and Pat and some of the Benedictine Monks came to pay their respects. I still remember that day, I was just legal to drive. Uncle Joe asked me for a ride to the funeral, and I told him to find his own ride.

I've thought about that since I said it, at the time I thought..... well maybe he can finally realize what he is doing. Like he isn't at his peak, maybe lazy, I thought he was a bum. But looking back now I realize he was being who he is, a genius musician who played for the Cleveland Orchestra.

On Jessica and Craig's wedding I remember him being normal, why....

Because Craig is a musician, and Joe talked in length about his life with music. I sat back and watched him describe every symphony in the world, and why Cleveland's was in the top 5. At that time I didn't realize who Joe is, but now I understand his mind.

My mother has done everything in her power to help Joe out, and I'm almost to tears thinking about it. I remember one time coming home to visit, and all mom could do was talk to creditors on behalf of Joe, because he understood one life, but not our life.

Joe, I'm sorry....... I wish it wasn't too late.

On a lighter side of things, I think I'm finally ready for confession. Which in my mind is the first step back to a life with the lord. Joe might have a part to play with it, but I truly believe I'm ready to try to connect with the lord again.

I know Father Gerard is out there reading this, and it is all too soon unfortunate visit to Cleveland coming up. I would truly appreciate him to honor my request while I am in town. I am ready to try again. I've prayed more in the past 3 months than I can ever understand. Julie keeps asking me to go to church with her, but I'm terrified of what I might feel.... more resentment, more distrust.... what will come out of my visit with the lord.

I look at what has happened with cancer and my family, my grandfather passed from it, one aunt is going through her second fight, and the other one is one her third, my uncle is on his way out..... what the hell am I in for? I'm 27, and already fought this bastard once.....

I have realized that good things don't come easy to me, and I believe that makes me stronger. I'm willing to fight for the best. But damn... if you ask me if I'm scared about this battle........ Yes I am.

Joe you are in my thoughts and prayers.


Stephen.